I’m Dating a Misogynistic Parasite and I Will Be Silenced No More

Marianna Sierra

What happens when you blend some third-earth travel with an less than-staffed university health care process? You conclusion up in a poisonous symbiotic relationship with an intestine-dwelling parasite for a boyfriend.

He instructed me that his good friends connect with him Blasto, quick for Blastocystis. He latched on to me as quickly as he laid eyes on me, and for a even though, we were joined at the hip (he didn’t comprehend hips aren’t what he’s intended to feed off of, on account of currently being a dumbass solitary-celled organism and owning no mind). We did every thing collectively on our trip to Turkey. We ate the Shish Kebabs, we swam in the Lakes, we drank the Faucet Water. Then, he started out shitting my pants.

His most effective mate is Endolimax Nana, one more dipshit single-celled protozoon. When you fulfill him, he likes to make sure you know his name rhymes with climax, which is one thing I am specific he does not know how to do considering that he is an asexual asswipe. Not long ago, I discovered out he’s been crashing on Blasto’s couch in the biome of my intestine. They each leach their unemployment checks from my colon since they received fired for employing their organization credit history card to obtain illegal firecrackers off of Alibaba— and now I have to clear up their shit each and every time they set off an explosion.

Neither of them pays rent and their residence (practically, my belly) smells like leftover buffalo wings and lactose intolerance. They are disgusting. Even scarier, they are the species of males who can only talk affection in the no-homo language of kicking each other in the nuts (and my bowels really feel the blows).

Though I’d like to consider Blasto’s dumber than a bottle of Mountain Dew, he need to know anything mainly because he’s also a liar. When we 1st started seeing every other, I asked him if he was thoroughly clean. He advised me he had gotten tested and experienced no STIs. A thirty day period later on, I come again to college screening positive for IBS. Then he tells me I’m outrageous and that the health professionals would under no circumstances feel me. He knew that the Yale student populace has entry to particularly 2.5 healthcare industry experts whole and that my scarecrow-brained health care provider wouldn’t capture him right until my ninth stool sample. He forgot that I know his dick is both modest and that he does not know how to use it.

He’s a misogynist disguised as silent-but-violent flatulence. He took regulate of my overall body and however my arduous antibiotic regimen has brought him to justice, his whiny bitchface legacy lives on through my inability to eat creamy pastas with no soiling myself.

Blasto, you are the soggy bread that uses its dentures to gnaw at my anus. You really don’t fork out rent and eviction moratoriums have been lifted, so I’ll see you in courtroom, motherfucker.